well, let's see... a couple of things have been happening...

i'm on the verge of a big life change, and need to make some decisions. i am just not sure whether i want to prioritize an academic life, something i've worked hard for over the last 8 years. or, something more related to art and farming. and whether we may want to raise rabbits. not that those are either/or, or easy questions, just things i think about. i'm not sure if my lack of interest in academia these days is burnout, or my usual scatteredness, or just plain laziness, or really a signal that i should follow my dreams and instincts. i've never loved teaching, and the market is awful, but i do love academia, and i'm likely to be happy doing it. and, it is probably a safer option. but even though i'll definitely finish school, i just don't know that a professor job is the way i want to go. my vision of myself in the future is not that, and i don't think it ever was. i really don't buy the notion that there is one purpose in life, although i'd love to have a little daemon pop down and tell me that i was born to do this one thing ... but there is this sense of a path, something drawing me in another direction.

it seemed as though i had a breakthrough with ms. cosset. she still is not enamored of me, i assume from all the dematting. getting the poor rabbit completely dematted was an awful task, and even though i tried to make it as easy as possible on her and split it into many small sessions, she still seems to associate me with unpleasantness. so the other night we were sitting on the kitchen floor together and she actually came up and nosed me. she had never done this before, or made any move for me at all - instead sometimes making noises or even boxing my hand. so this little gesture on her part seemed momentous! and then last night, i was feeling all happy to have her out, and brush through her quickly growing hair with no matting whatsoever... but then i saw something odd... it looked like dried poo but sort of to the side - a large globby thing just stuck in hair and deep down into her skin. i did some internet research and it turns out that there is a scent gland there and this was a large waxy secretion. so i carefully cleaned her up and gently got the gunk out, but she was very pissed and it was unnerving. i mean, does everyone have these issues with rabbits? maybe this is normal? but it looked like a recipe for disaster, especially if it were hot out. or is my anxiety around the cleanliness of these rabbits related to some strange psychosis of my own? i would think so except that i've seen what can happen, rabbits infested with maggots, and it is the stuff of nightmares. so i am determined to keep a close eye on them, and keep learning, and hopefully they will come to understand that i'm not trying to be an asshole.

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