so, i went back to my little studio yesterday for the first time in a while. i've been traveling and junking and doing farmy chores, and got sick in the middle of it all with a lingering stomach flu. and i've also had to deal with that icky situation with my ex, and my own annoying lawyer who did absolutely nothing. he even sounded drunk that one time he actually took my call. ultimately i decided to bend over and take the easy way out. and i feel such relief. still some emotional fallout for sure, but more peace than i've felt in a while. no more worries about waking up to a process server. my dogs don't like strangers showing up at 6:40 a.m. and no worries about friends who are friends with him.
i don't like being a divorced person. it makes me feel like shit. i also don't like having such antipathy for my ex. why couldn't we be those people who treated each other fairly and held their heads high? even kept some semblence of friendship? because he's a motherfucker, that's why. lately i've been reminded of when he confessed that he had held my little dog, tallulah, up to an electric fence, supposedly to teach her not to run off. i had been very clear when we got married that he was not ever, ever, allowed to "discipline" my dogs in any way. they were my friends and i don't believe in physical punishment. of course, i realize that everyone does stupid shit. anyone can do things that are unforgivable, and in a better marriage, i might have gotten past it. but his priorities really had to do with money, not with family, not with me. and he had anger issues and insecurities that manifested in completely unacceptable ways. and since we got married so quickly, i found that out way too late.
but, whatever i needed to go through to get here was worth it. i love being married to my sweet hub. i love his gentleness, his wisdom, his strength, the fact that he has no need to prove that he is manly. he won't even kill bugs. when i asked him to get a big spider out of the bathroom, he went and looked at him and told me, "Oh, that's Fred." when i told him i saw Fred crawl into his shoe, he said, "ok, I'll be careful not to hurt him." i think we had at least ten Freds guarding our perimeter last summer. i don't like bugs in the house, but it's nice to just take them outside. i don't bring this up to compare these men. there is no comparison.
how did i get off on this subject when i was planning to blog about studio time? i guess it's that i'm still processing my rage at my ex. and it wasn't really, truly finished until now, four years later. and i started reading Committed by Liz Gilbert the other night and (like EPL) it's totally working for me. i've never really formed my own story of my divorce. i didn't really share what all happened with anyone except my best friend, who is now my hub.
so anyhow, i spent most of the time yesterday organizing my new linen stash. and i started a new dog, who is mostly stitched and drying right now after being tea-dyed. he's made of 100% wool felt, and this is my first experience with wool felt vs. the other stuff. so far, i'm not sure what i think.
i am feeling so lazy though today, but also stressed out about how i spend my time and my lack of productivity. maybe i should do what marisa did and track my time for a week. it might help me feel better, because i think i might be expecting too much of myself, and not counting many things i do here at the farm that *are* work. or maybe it's that my studio time feels like play. it seems like there was something else i wanted to blog about, but now i can't remember..
(you can spot my encore petite squirrel pillow in his new environs, which makes the place so much friendlier!) and yes, that is an old air conditioner made into a coffee/laptop table. i got tired of waiting for it to be moved and put it to use.
hoops just waiting to be filled..
and another studio mascot..