fluff and maudlin

 

these are some batts i whipped up not long ago. i missed spinning and fiber so much while i was at my folks' place, but now that i'm home, i'm feeling meh about it again.  there's too much else to do, too much to feel and think about and process.  i think my relationship with fiber is one of control.  while i'm carding, spinning, stitching, i feel as though i have some order and that things are holding together as they should.  it's a great feeling.  but when i'm not able to do fiber it's because all is hanging out... there is no control... or i'm admitting that there never was.

it's not that it's right or wrong to want to be in control and to be exercising that desire through fiber, but i think it's good that i become aware of it.  then the maniacal stitching that happens sometimes starts to make sense.  did i tell you about that book i read called Solstice Wood?  i think i did, but anyway, the ladies in the fiber circle were stitching together the boundaries between the worlds.  i can so easily relate to that... i want to keep the boundaries closed, at least in terms of my papa - i don't want him crossing over, not yet, not soon - but it seems they are thinning anyway and there's nothing i can do to stop it.  so i'm leaving them wide open and hoping we all get swallowed up.

so what activities are good for life-in-transition?  dyeing?  water usually soothes my wild beast.  or how about making pies.  reading and sleeping have been my mainstays but i should try walking the wolf pup through the woods.  too bad we lost that bungee leash, it made it so much more comfy to walk with her.  she's so incredibly strong and still she wants to chase birds, so she can't be left to run on her own.  catching up on blogs and feeling connected to other people today has helped a little.  there must be some way of staying present even in this grief, but if i'm honest, i don't even want to, i want to escape to a make-believe world that i create and stay there.  where he is always there, singing to me, just like when i was a baby girl, "you are my sunshine," or "hush, little baby."  i was always most excited about the billy goat. or i can take over on the singing part. i can do that.

meet wolfie, in liminal space

this is wolfie.  

he emerged as part of a very unique and interesting commission.

i'm finally home, but everything is in limbo

papa's cancer has interrupted life as we know it.

we've been through it before, but not like this.

the funniest, most precious moment lately:

doctor, to my papa:  "do you know where you are?"

papa:  "on that lady's ranch."

doctor:  "what do you do for a living?"

papa:  "retired"

doctor:  "what did you do for a living?"

papa:  "cowhand."

doctor:  "what is a cowhand?"

papa:  "a person who takes care of cattle."

mama and i were flabbergasted.  

did he get this from gene autry movies?

or from a past life?

i think the doctor thought he was joking at first, but he was totally serious.

we're going to see the work that's been done on the house tomorrow,

the new roof and plumbing.

but as it turns out, we may not move there.

there's just too much going on.

ah well.

yippee calle, mufukkas!

Seems like everyone is sick around here..

The Mazarin Stone episode features a most extraordinary room:

Holmes's Third Eye:

Such a poignant moment.

I'd like to do a 2012 year-in-review, but this pretty much does it.  

a change of season..

does anyone know what sort of pod this is?  i found it in the yard, but it was under a tree that was clearly not dropping these.  someone on instagram said maybe magnolia?  so i will run out and look at the magnolias, which are back in the woods.  actually i'll do that now!  yes, it is a magnolia!  one of the dogs must have moved it to a different part of the yard.  how beautiful these are, and i never noticed them before.

anyone who visits here has probably noticed my absence...  i'm not sure what has happened,  except possibly for burnout.  i'm still in love with fiber and sheep, but i'm very, very tired of spinning for production and sale.  i need to shift things.  this happened to me some years ago, when my new husband's dog ate my first wheel, an ashford joy, and i took it as a sign that i should follow my muse and shifting interests, and i did - even started grad school during that time - and then came back to spinning about three years ago..

i also have realized since then that i'm what author Barbara Sher calls a scanner.  someone who has lots of different interests rather than one main calling.  i tend to have the same basic set of interests, mostly related to old country skills, but i tend to cycle through them over and over.  right now i am feeling called to study herbs and have signed up for two classes which will stretch out over the next year.  this is something i've wanted to learn about for years, but never took the time.  i don't really have the time now either... because..

this scanning thing has also made it really difficult to finish my dissertation, because i got really messed up in my head by the topic, and so then totally lost interest in it for the last few years.  i actually think i needed some distance to process and heal from that research, but now i'm facing a new set of circumstances.  the most important being that i have an amazing new adviser.  a dream adviser, my academic idol.  this is a huge deal for me, one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  i've had such a lack of support at my grad program, which has also made it difficult to finish up.  the other thing is that now, my graduate program has been cut!  suspended, no more grad students, and tenured faculty reassigned to other departments.  everybody else is out.  so i can finish, but it has to be by this spring!  so i must, must, must and will get busy.

and then there's my sweet Papa, who has been in the hospital with a pneumonia, then a scary vascular surgery, then more heart problems from his existing heart disease.  he's been so sick, and my family is so worn out.  my usual depression and IBS are acting out in full force with the stress of this, but i'm hanging in.  just so, so worried about him.

so i've wondered about maintaining this blog when for a long time it has been fiber-focused.  whether i should start a new blog that's more about writing my dissertation, or about my progress with herbs, or whatever else i'm on about.  do my friends here want to read about any of that?  and then i also have some self-consciousness about it... am i "keeping going" in the sense that Jude talks about, or am i somehow unable, always trying to escape myself?  i've blogged and loved it for a very long time, but i also worry about not being able to be a great blog friend and reader right now...  time is just so tight.  it's much easier to keep up with folks via facebook, but i know a lot of you aren't there (if you are, and we're not friends yet, please let me know how to find you there!)  so i'm trying to figure out what sort of blog this could be and whether i'll keep with it ... i guess time will tell.

abed

who gets sick for two weeks in the summertime?  

i seem to, the last few years anyway!

at least i've been catching up on my beauty sleep, and dreaming

a few pics from the bed, some with hipstamatic's laser lemon gel flash..

at least there are a few bright spots and always-loyal companions.

a grey-with-hints-of-purple kind of day

not many words but lots of texture around here.
spindle from russian fibers, thank you liliya.
some frankenstitching thanks to arlee.
a lonely goose, who lost his brother.
a stitcher who's wondering if she should blog about depression.
(in the first person).

gather ye

mum and i are fascinated with old-time recipes for making rose beads. this is our first, experimental batch. the rose petals are to be ground every day and left to sit in cast iron for two weeks. then they should be a paste to roll into beads. roses seem to be in my future, since while thrifting we also found a book on antique roses of the south, rose-gardening gloves and pruning shears. i planted one bush last year and will add one or two more every year until i am old and surrounded.

the flue has delayed my homegoing and new year to-dos.. although i did stich a bone yesterday. trying to just relax and enjoy blogland, sleep, and dreams of rose bushes, hips and beads.

sunday random

as much as i love being a hermit, i'm so enjoying a number of collaborative projects these days.. it must be my time to work together closely with friends... sometimes it's odd because i am not used to being accountable to anyone any more, but it is enlivening too to feel part of things again.

i hope you all have seen our giveaway on ragtime?! please enter if you are being shy! join our pyjama party!!

i've been reading and learning and working on the garden, but the tick situation here is really off-putting right now. the other morning i came in from filling water buckets with at least 100 seed ticks on me. seed ticks are the worst little fuckers ever. how am i supposed to get on with my farming and homesteading plans for fall?





so while i'd like to be playing outside in the cooler temps, today i am content to look out the windows and do some stitching. also very worried about my papa who is still in the hospital, with a tumor.. no real news yet but lots of phone and worry.

Phantoms

I'm still back and forth on getting started in rabbits. I had a scare yesterday - I woke up early with awful chest pains, and then my hands and feet went numb. As many times as I've been to the ER with my father and mother having heart attacks, I knew enough to be scared. I waited a long time hoping they would go away, or turn out to be a tummy ache, but it just got worse. My limbs were all tingly, and I was doubled over in pain. So I went to the ER, only to throw up all day. And all the tests they did showed no heart trouble, nothing but normal. I'm home and much better today, although I still have no clue what was wrong.

While I was laying there in the hospital, I turned to thoughts of rabbits for comfort (it works!) but I couldn't help but think how glad I was that I didn't have a rabbitry to worry about under the circumstances. Even with the best of intentions, animal care can get neglected. Angora rabbits need to be groomed all the time, no matter what, and they aren't quite as easy to deal with as dogs (in other words, this isn't something I could sluff off when the going gets tough, although I'm sure my hub would help). Normally, I wouldn't think the off-day at the ER would mean I shouldn't be a rabbit farmer, but somehow in our family, we seem to be living in a state of emergency more often than not I'd like. I'm sure I'll still get two bunnies for pets and spinning though - my fear is more about the responsibilities of a larger-scale rabbit-raising venture.

Luckily I was able to switch out of that boring class, which starts tonight, to the other one that starts in March. I'm pleased because this new class is on darkroom photography, something I've wanted to experiment with for years. There is so much to do in the coming months, but things seem to be moving along. And so I need to get the rabbitry planned out, which needs to be part of a larger farm plan. I have tried drawing out a long-term lot plan, but all the decisions get so complicated when we want everything to work together (in a permaculture kind-of-way). I've considered just keeping the first two bunnies on the porch in the short term where I can get to know them and have easy access for spinning. Then we'll have less pressure and more time to design a sustainable farm. It's about that time to plan our vegetable garden and order some seeds to start. I'm frustrated because I'm still recovering from this unknown little malady. But soon enough, I'll be back at it.