Papa died on a Tuesday

and i haven't seen him since

except in my memory - i keep hoping he will haunt me.

i feel like i've lost my way with blogging

like i've lost my way with everything.  

Papa had a beautiful and green burial.  

just what he very specifically wanted, a pine box, out by the monastery.

Father Vincent did a lovely job with the memorial service.

it was so personal.

  

i'm still (mostly) here, gutted

and possibly more likely to pop up on fb or instagram

but some of my friends are only in blogland,

so i'll try to be here too

as i reinvent life, and find something to say.

right now nothing much seems to matter enough to bother,

except thank you for being here.

fluff and maudlin

 

these are some batts i whipped up not long ago. i missed spinning and fiber so much while i was at my folks' place, but now that i'm home, i'm feeling meh about it again.  there's too much else to do, too much to feel and think about and process.  i think my relationship with fiber is one of control.  while i'm carding, spinning, stitching, i feel as though i have some order and that things are holding together as they should.  it's a great feeling.  but when i'm not able to do fiber it's because all is hanging out... there is no control... or i'm admitting that there never was.

it's not that it's right or wrong to want to be in control and to be exercising that desire through fiber, but i think it's good that i become aware of it.  then the maniacal stitching that happens sometimes starts to make sense.  did i tell you about that book i read called Solstice Wood?  i think i did, but anyway, the ladies in the fiber circle were stitching together the boundaries between the worlds.  i can so easily relate to that... i want to keep the boundaries closed, at least in terms of my papa - i don't want him crossing over, not yet, not soon - but it seems they are thinning anyway and there's nothing i can do to stop it.  so i'm leaving them wide open and hoping we all get swallowed up.

so what activities are good for life-in-transition?  dyeing?  water usually soothes my wild beast.  or how about making pies.  reading and sleeping have been my mainstays but i should try walking the wolf pup through the woods.  too bad we lost that bungee leash, it made it so much more comfy to walk with her.  she's so incredibly strong and still she wants to chase birds, so she can't be left to run on her own.  catching up on blogs and feeling connected to other people today has helped a little.  there must be some way of staying present even in this grief, but if i'm honest, i don't even want to, i want to escape to a make-believe world that i create and stay there.  where he is always there, singing to me, just like when i was a baby girl, "you are my sunshine," or "hush, little baby."  i was always most excited about the billy goat. or i can take over on the singing part. i can do that.

deerie

     

i found this little dear awhile back on a walk through our woods.  hir skull was poking up through the leaves just as bright and heady as a queen surveying hir realm.  i stopped in my tracks and without even thinking, gathered hir to myself.  i soon realized that there was much more of hir bone gold to be found under the layers of damp leaves and earth, and each limb bone and vertebrae that extruded felt like another gift, and there were many.  i hadn't brought a bag or basket for gathering, so i took off my aran sweater, a long-ago gift from mum and a staple for me on cold winter days, and laid hir out.  the green and brown staining made me wonder if bones could be dyed like easter eggs.  

i have since cleaned and bleached dearie's remains and they are pristine, blanched, beautiful.  i have thought about making hir into a mobile, in which i would crochet hir back together and add some of hir missing bits, as i imagine hir when s/he was alive.  i have been guilty of following the trend toward bone collecting, toward rewilding, earthing, primitive living - they are all connected somehow, are they not?  is there not a bone craze making itself felt throughout the craft world, in jewelry and on etsy? 

 i know i'm not the only one gathering and crafting with bones and animal-ephemera, not the only one with a red fox tooth ear cuff and tail, a crow cast skull necklace, a set of my own indigo-dyed cat bone adornments, a gifted antler wand, a cache of precious traded squirrel bones, a grandiose four-horned sheep skull and any number of thrifted taxidermied friends whom i've collected since childhood (and i'll only barely mention here my roomfull of wool).  we are, many of us, held rapt in their presence.  lupa has written about the magick of animal parts, and hoodoo has a long tradition of using animal claws and bones along with herbs to make their mojo.  although with hoodoo, i believe many root doctors don't shy from a human finger bone or other as curio.  

 i am wondering though if i was right to unearth dearie.  if this fetishization of animal remnants is yet another form of speciesism.  most of us wouldn't consider having human bones around.  and yet while we seem to separate nonhuman animals out this way for adornment or decor, it isn't on surface smacking of disrespect, but rather of honour.  we who fetishize hold them sacred.  we don't venerate human bones in the same way partly out of human exceptionalism, but also because they aren't that interesting.  (although i do have a close friend who was able to snatch up a small bone of her dear friend who met an early death.  she found it when they scattered her friend's cremains, and kept it, a beautiful story).

deerie seemed comfy there in the woods, no matter that her skull sung out to me, a beacon.  i am not the most observant of kin, something i'm trying to change, but still i need company when morel-hunting to spy the little phalluses.  i tend to miss the glorious details, but s/he shone so brightly to me that i could not resist or refuse hir.  the problem now is that there is no art i can make, no method of display, no reanimation or imagination that won't fall depressingly short of Hir in life or spirit.  s/he now lies wrapped in a tea-towel embroidered with the day of my birth, another gift from mum, awaiting my plans.  whatever i decide, i think it's important that before s/he ends up forgotten and dusty with my own remains that s/he be respectfully re-interred.  

meet wolfie, in liminal space

this is wolfie.  

he emerged as part of a very unique and interesting commission.

i'm finally home, but everything is in limbo

papa's cancer has interrupted life as we know it.

we've been through it before, but not like this.

the funniest, most precious moment lately:

doctor, to my papa:  "do you know where you are?"

papa:  "on that lady's ranch."

doctor:  "what do you do for a living?"

papa:  "retired"

doctor:  "what did you do for a living?"

papa:  "cowhand."

doctor:  "what is a cowhand?"

papa:  "a person who takes care of cattle."

mama and i were flabbergasted.  

did he get this from gene autry movies?

or from a past life?

i think the doctor thought he was joking at first, but he was totally serious.

we're going to see the work that's been done on the house tomorrow,

the new roof and plumbing.

but as it turns out, we may not move there.

there's just too much going on.

ah well.

yippee calle, mufukkas!

kitchen: before

while i'm waylaid i thought i could show you

the sad little kitchen and breakfast nook.

stuck in 1998, or long before.

i have taken down the curtains and scrubbed and scraped

grease from the cabinets.

everything is vaguely yellowed.

the gas man told us that the man who used to live here

stayed right in the kitchen next to the gas heater.

this is where he lived

he didn't use much of the house

and he was a good man.

i wonder if he died here.

progress is being made in my absence, the roof is almost done.

the plumbing needed help too.

and we had the guy do some other sundries for good measure.

i can't wait to get home and see the progress

and start DIYing

and dyeing my pieces for the Fall show in Hillsborough

have i told you about that?  i will soon.

waylaid

this was one of the loveliest, most thoughtful gifts ever
a vase from my friend Susan
who is an amazingly talented sculptor and potter
and yes, with violets on it
it's the first object of ours that I brought into the house.

work on the house is Happening
the new roof, and work on the plumbing
but i've been waylaid
we learned today that my darling father has the cancer, again.
so it might be some time before i'm back
making this house into Home
or making the rounds in blogland
but i do miss you all.  

wouldn't you know

that the wood under the roof tiles isn't looking too good.

so we're told we need a new roof

i guess we'll have to go forward, although 

i loved that patina on the old slate roof

but it is 60 or so years old, i guess it's tired

and been leaking for a long while.

so, on we go!

our guy is replacing the roof, the plumbing, 

fixing the ceilings and walls

and repairing the hardwood floors.

should be done by the time i get back from atlanta!

and then we'll paint and see what else needs doing.

we found our person!

i'm so relieved that we finally have found someone to fix the roof!!

and he can do everything else too, apparently!

thank the Goddess for the recommendations of friends.

there's this strange ceramic part of the chimney
i wonder what went missing?!

i guess in the short term i'll cover it with a plant...

but it seems like it needs a coat of arms, or something architectural and grand..

there are two beautiful big black walnut trees

one in front and one in back

and this little workshop, with electricity

where Rocky will put his woodshop

and in the lean-to area, i think that'll be where we keep the feed.

here's the back of the girl.  a funny face :)

i love that stump right in the middle.

work on the roof starts thursday!

and then we'll work our way down.

Craftsy Sale!

murmurations

i feel like the Starlings are following me.  even though

they are probably just going about their business.

so i had to make a bird.

not fancy iridescent fabric for my first bird though.

just a little bird, looking at me.  

we're still trying to find some help on the house.

we're starting with the roof, and 

the first couple of people don't seem like the right fit.  

but i have another lead i'm working on...

we've had a couple of mishaps.  when i had the water turned on,

it sprayed everywhere in the mudroom from the washer hookup!

everywhere, out into the room, onto the windows, down the side of the house

it was cray-cray.

but some pliers and a few turns later, it was off.  

and it turns out the copper gas pipes were stripped!

by some needy soul.  

so they have to be re-installed.  

so still, no hot water because it's gas.

and for some reason, no water to the upstairs.

that has us scratching our (collective) heads.

more mysteries to be revealed.

13 acres

this is what the land looks like..

 this is that tree in the middle of the old well-house

it's an evergreen (obvs) and full of berries!

anyone know what kind it is?

and this is one of three sisters out in the pasture

Sarah thought it looked like an apple tree

anyone else? 

and this is the old barn.  i think it'll do just fine for the bunnies

and the lean-to will be good shelter for the donks and sheepies.

hub thought it might fall over, but i figure it's been here a while.

and we found this old trunk in the barn, how exciting!

this isn't who we bought from.  i love picking in general, but from our own land is the best.

i think we'll use it as a coffee table. 

and the sand!!  the sand is so weird!!  

this area of NC is called the Sandhills, but i'm so shocked to see it everywhere

at least we won't have so much mud and muck like here

i do love drainage.

She's Ours

So, we did it!

I had cold feet on the way to the bank, I'm not sure why!

Since the sellers did their thing on Friday,

our part of the closing took all of 15 minutes, or maybe 10.

We got lots of new keys.

We went to the house and the Buick was gone!

Which is a Good Thing, since we had no title or clue.

And then we opened door after door and looked

and looked ...

and looked around.

We were so awed that I couldn't bring myself to snap pics, you know?

but gawsh She needs a lot of work!

I put my special violet vase in the window.

Lit sage.

And then started ripping up lineoleum to see what they were hiding!

Yeah, some damage to the wood floors, but nothing so terrible.

And old, dark, kinda interesting tile in the kitchen.

I had planned on marmoleum, 

(look at all those awesome colours!) but then

I might just keep what's there.

I tend to do that.

(Pic from a previous, preliminary inspection!)

Back tomorrow to meet a heating & air dude,

and go to the waterworks and get that turned on.

And then Friday meeting a roofer!

And not-so-suddenly, I want to stitch again.

almost closed

Well the Closing started to happen on Friday, 

but they didn't tell me until that morning!  Apparently something about

coordinating all the sellers and their spouses (since title is in an estate).

So we didn't make it down there because it started sleeting.   

You know what wimps we Southerners are about snow! 

So we go in tomorrow, pay and get the keys!   

I was excited to find out that this gorgeous lady is a fir. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about firs.  

And there is more than one of Her!

oh the all-important hearth, what to do with you

The closing was supposed to be today but is apparently delayed. 

The title is coming out of an estate so they say that might be the reason.

But I think somebody just forgot to put it on the lawyer's calendar. 

Dern lawyers.

It really doesn't matter, except I can't do it tomorrow (doc appt.) and 

I'm anxious to get to work!

So here is the current state of the hearth at Violetcroft.

Poor neglected hearth.  

Although they did leave her complete with a Holy Bible, a gourd Santa, several books,

family photos, crocheted potholders, and a stapler.

The options seem to be:

a.  Unbrick her and try to work with her as an open fireplace.

Pros:  ambience, purity to period

Cons:  lack of heat

b.  Unbrick her and add a fireplace insert with a blower

Pros:  good heat by most accounts,

although one friend has one and says hers sucks on heat.

Cons:  serious uglification unless major bucks are spent, 

visible power cord from blower (even more ugly)

  quite expensive regardless

c.1  Unbrick her and add free-standing woodstove

Pros:  much more attractive, could get the soapstone I'm loving

Cons:  we lose space, need a hearth pad

c.2  Leave her bricked and add free-standing woodstove

Pros:  possibly simplest, could install ourselves?

Cons:  I think we would lose the most living room space 

I would totally welcome hearing other thoughts and experiences.

But.  I just saw the most amazing blackbird activity I've ever seen.

A mighty horde, swooping from the ground to the trees and back again

encircling this place.  I think it was a Starling dance

right here in our very own woods.  

A copse

This is looking out onto our new pasture.  

I was wondering what was in there, 

and hoping it wasn't a bunch of old junky appliance parts.

I love how land and houses always come with some mysteries.  

Is it an old well-house?  

It has some faucets and a cistern-looking thingymabob.

It's supposed to be on public water now.

It's an odd sort of structure with a triangle of limbs built up and suspended with pulleys..

All built around this tree, which is loaded with little purple berries.

You can probably tell that we visited the house yesterday.

I took lots of pics (more to come)..

and we close on Thursday!  

We're on again

Ok so strangely we are back on, I mean off, to the cottage!  So that means cottage bloggin!  I had fallen in love with another house in the meantime, it was quite lovely, but really, it was too far.  I know some friends will wonder how it could be too far and this one not, because they really are both far.  But this one is about 1/4 the price, so it seems not as far!  And only about half the distance from where we are now, so renovating and moving don't seem like as much of a thing.   It will be far for some friends, but when you live in the country, you get used to driving, if you want to go anywhere, that is.  And the friends I've made so far in NC are PRECIOUS.

I'm sure you remember the to-do list.  Maybe I should put it on the sidebar to keep it handy.  I think I'll edit that one rather than re-doing periodically.  I did get the stove too!!  And there's a car that comes with the house, weird.  I'll have to tell you about the neighbors one of these days...

The closing isn't until the 24th
so we won't get started in earnest until then.  

Plenty of time to dream and pin.

A facebook friend had thought these tea leaves suggested I'd be moving to (or near) Virginia, but now I see that it meant moving to the Violet Loop!

Oh and come visit my new Tarot Tumblr!

Seems like everyone is sick around here..

The Mazarin Stone episode features a most extraordinary room:

Holmes's Third Eye:

Such a poignant moment.

I'd like to do a 2012 year-in-review, but this pretty much does it.  

Burn the Log, O Fire!

Hope everyone had a Merry Yule and Happy Christmas!!

My short-term plan is to be getting back to fiber soon.
As soon as I get back home, around the 8th.
I want to focus on natural dyes and battsss.
I have some theories as to why I had to stop stitching, for a time anyway,
and one is summed up in these lyrics to a Papa Roach song:

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much

and the Scars remind us
that the past is Real
I tear my heart open
just to feel.

And btw, check out this interview with me on Spin Artiste!